At the end of Part 1 - Matt and I had just been seated in a cozy, quaint and very empty restaurant in our village on Valentines Day. Being the only people there, we were a bit nervous about the diner to staff ratio going on and briefly thought the whole thing was a scam.
After we were sat, our waiter (and also one of the owners as we later found out), explained how the evening was going to proceed. The Valentines menu was a 4 course dinner including:
A set starter platter for two
A choice of entrees
A choice of desserts
Coffee, chocolates and mints
We were encouraged to peruse the menu for our entree and told again that the platter for two had no choice - it came as is. He took our drink order and walked away. He came back about 2 minutes later with our drinks and asked us if we had any questions, were we ready to order, etc? The entrees sounded spectacular and we did not want to hurry our choice (plus I was debating on the best option/combo so that I could get Matt to 'share'). We were again reminded to "take our time, table's ours for the evening." A few more minutes rolled by and he came out holding what amounted to a large side plate on which sat:
A small bowl with 6 olives
2 celery pieces about the size of a thumb filled with something
2 small filo dough parcels filled with something else
Still not ready to order, we sent him away. The ensuing conversation went something like this:
Matt: 'do you know what you want?'
Me: 'I thought I did, but now I'm not sure.'
Matt: 'Why?'
Me: 'If this is the size our our sampler starter for two, then I might go with a larger entree.'
Matt: 'Hmm? What? Do you think this is the starter platter?'
Me: 'Well, I suppose it could be an amuse bouche, but we are in Bardney - my money is on the platter'
Matt: 'They can't seriously charge that kind of money and expect to pass this as a platter'
Me: 'To quote the great Eddie Izzard - it is Britain - scale it down'
Matt: 'That is a bit beyond scaling it down - that would be taking the piss.'
The waiter arrived again to take our order (on which we had finally decided) and started to remove our half eaten "platter". I almost grabbed his arm to force the plate back on to the table whilst screeching 'leave it!' There were 2 olives left in the bowl and was going to be damned if he was going to take them away. In my defense, I must mention that I was STARVING and had half a gin and tonic fueling the situation. He relinquished the plate and walked away. I decided that I was going to make those 2 olives last until our dinner came. I made it a challenge - took teeny, tiny bites. Every couple of minutes or so our waiter walked by to see if the plate was empty so he could remove it. It became almost unbearable and I started to wonder if we weren't going to get served until the last olive was gone. No sooner had I popped it into my mouth in a frenzy, than the waiter came around the corner holding what looked like a banquet serving tray.
Now - I failed to mention that at this time the restaurant had slowly started filling up. When I saw the tray I assumed that it was for the large table of the owner's friends/family that had arrived.
Me: 'Obviously pays to know someone.'
Matt: 'I think that it is ours.'
Me 'Holy shit, I think you're right - obviously it pays to be cute'
At this point the waiter is trying to wedge this tray full of food onto our petit table for two. I can't remember everything on it but here goes:
Langustinos
Chilled Meditaranian Vegetables
Deviled Eggs
Fig and Passionfruit Salad
Smoked Herring
Cold Salmon
Canapes
At this point I was wishing I had gone with my first entree choice of salmon instead of upgrading to a hefty sounding portion of chicken stuffed with sausage. Matt and I sat staring in amazement at the amount of food.
Me: 'This is ridiculous'
Matt: 'Who eats this much'
Me: 'Do you think they heard me complain about the olive plate'
Matt: 'Maybe - you are easily heard'
Me: 'Why would anyone eat this much before dinner'
Matt: 'I'm not eating anything with eyes - you can have the langustinos'
Me: 'I don't have to shared the eyed creatures?!?!? This is the best Valentines Day ever!'
That concludes part 2 (of our 3-part story). In my final segment I will regale you with fascinating conversations about cursive writing and cutlery use and conclude my tale with how things went when we asked to take our dessert 'to go'.
I would also like to leave you tonight with a question: Have you ever been to a restaurant where you have been either overwhelmed or underwhelmed by the quantity of food (or confusingly both at the same time like I was on V-Day)?
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