Why I might never eat cheese again...

I write this blog with a heavy heart (and an even heavier digestive tract).  If you do not know me, you won't understand the complex and long-term relationship that I have with cheese.  Even if you don't know me, perhaps you have seen me stuffing my face with it in a restaurant, my car, the library....

To me, cheese is the food of Gods.  It goes with everything - like beige.  Cheese is the food equivalent of your favorite pair of neutral khakis.  You can put cheese with salty foods, spicy foods, bland foods, sweet foods, junk foods and healthy foods.  Of course, if you are a cheese purist, you can also eat it BY ITSELF!

I had a close encounter with cheese last night, however, that has left me with a lump in my throat and the desire to never eat cheese for the rest of my life (or at least a week, which ever comes first).

So, last night I was contemplating a very late night dinner.  I was tired and a container of Mexican Rice I had made a few nights ago was calling my name.  Seriously - it said "Robyn" as I was opening the lid.  As I opened the container I did a sniff test - I do this with all left overs even if it was made the night before.  I also did a visual check - and it was all checking out just fine!  I was about to put the dish in the microwave when I spied a bag of mozarella and thought outloud "this rice and this cheese NEED to be together as one!"  So I grabbed a fistful (okay 3) of the cheese and sprinkled blanketed the rice.  Shoved it in the microwave.  Waited for the 'ding'.  Took it up 3 flights of stairs to my bed to eat while watching some crap TV.  I got about 2/3 of the way through the delicious dish when I happened to look down at the bowl.  "hmmm - I don't remember putting green herbs into this rice dish!"  As I am putting the next forkful into my mouth it dawns on me - "coulditbethecheesenoIamsureIwouldhavecheckedohgodcoulditbemold?"  For a split second I actually considered finishing it, because it tasted lovely but then my SANITY took over and I flew back down all three flights, flung open the fridge door and grabbed the bag of cheese I had used.  As I am doing this I was really thinking "don'tbesillyyouwouldneverbesodaftastoputmoldycheeseonyourriceandnukeitandeatitfortenminuteswithoutnoticing!"  I opened the bag of cheese and what greeted me was a bag of very moldy cheese that I had just zapped in the microwave - AND EATEN!

Now I know that many types of cheese have mold.  I also know that it will not kill you and probably not even upset your stomach, but knowingly eating moldy cheese (of the non blue veined variety) is not nice when you come to the realization.  Surprisingly - I did not get sick.  Not surprisingly - I did drink 5 large glasses of water and brushed my teeth 6 times all the while saying the mantra "itsnotthatgrossitsnotthatgross".

I woke up this morning with what felt like a ball of lard in my stomach.  I have not eaten yet today because my body is still digesting the fist size ball of melted cheese mold that I ate last night.  The thought of cheese is making me ill right now.  I think I have found the cure for all addictions.  Cover your addiction in mold and eat it.  You will want to stop - immediately!  The addict in me right now is trying to justify a situation where cheese might be acceptable.  Tonight folks - that situation is not coming to mind.

And so I go to bed tonight on an empty stomach with visions of cheese mold dancing in my bowels!